May 2005

German friend or foe?

himself

Is this guy calling me a hack?

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I hate being late for a flight and have to run with my carry-on luggage with wheels.

himself

I feel like a fat lady prancing at a dog show. Not to mention that somehow my wheels are pebble magnets. One wheel will stop causing the other to arc in and then it starts tic-tacking back forth until I’m forced to pick it up and carry it. Then minutes later, I muster up the [...]

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Overheard Through My Window in Queens

himself

I couldn’t sleep last night because of the pain, and was elated to finally fall into slumber at the crack of dawn. Only to be awoken by annoying song birds, a woodpecker drilling another useless hole, a squirrel trying scrape his way through my thru-the-wall air conditioning unit, and little fucking boy hitting a concrete [...]

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Midnight Snack

himself

My girlfriend noticed that I was moaning and asked, “Do you want some Vicoden and strawberries?” The answer to this question should always be, “YES!” I can empathize with Wheelchair Larry Flynt and Fat Elvis. Thought of the day: Eating an unwashed strawberry is like blowing a Mexican.

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I’m Turning Down Opportunities

himself

I had to turn down a spot at PSNBC Tuesday because of my situation, and today my manager’s assistant called to tell me about an audition tomorrow at 2pm for The Sopranos. Fuck me I actually contemplated about loading up my body with Vicoden, hobble down there, and blow the doors off the casting agency. [...]

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