Entries from April 2005 ↓
I never eat cotton candy in the rain.
April 30th, 2005 — danisms
If pediatricians are doctors who treat children and pedophiles are adults who are attracted to children…
April 30th, 2005 — danisms
…then pedestrians are people who ride children.
Furthermore, if octopus means “eight-legged” and Oedipus means “swollen foot” shouldn’t an iPod be called an iPus.
If Luke never found out that Leia was his twin sister, would their child have had “special” abilities?
April 30th, 2005 — sci-fi
There was a lot of sexual tension between Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia when they first met. It’s a good thing Yoda told Luke that Leia was his fraternal twin sister before he had died.
Who could imagine the birth defects of child produced by two Jedi twins.
One year after Emperor Palpatine’s death (1 A.B.Y)
Ancient Massassi temple on Yavin IV (Fourth moon of Yavin)
Medical facility in the New Republic base
2-1B MEDICAL DROID
His midi-clorians level is off the charts, over 21,000. Unfortunately, he also has an extra chromosome.
LEIA
What does that mean, Two Onebee?
2-1B
It means he has the innate ability to use the Force, but will have Down’s Syndrome as well.
LUKE and LEIA
NOOOOOO!
LEIA
Oh, Luke! What are we going to do?
R2-D2
(whirrrr-chirp-whistle-beeeeep-beep-whistle-blip-whirr)
C3-PO
Behave R2, it isn’t polite to call Master Skywalker’s son a retarded Jedi.
HAN
(smirks)Polite? This is history in the making. R2’s right. You’re son is going to be the first retarded Jedi.
LEIA
You’re an asshole, Solo!
HAN
Hey! Your Holy Highness of the Universe, if you would have fallen for me and not Golden Boy, you two wouldn’t be in this mess.
LUKE
Cool it, Han! I won her—fair and square.
HAN
Won her?! I don’t how things work on a moisture farm, but “sisters” are off limits where I come from…no matter how hot she is. Wookies do it, but their animals.
CHEWBACCA
ARRRGHHHHHHH!!!!
HAN
Shut up ya big baby, stop acting like an overstuffed Ewok.
CHEWBACCA
GRRRRRRRRRRRR!
HAN
Now you’re acting retarded.
LUKE
Stop saying, “Retarded.”
HAN
Why, because your son’s retar…
LUKE activates his lightsaber. HAN unholsters his blaster pistol.
(to be CONT’D in the Episode VII—The Force Goes On)
Fifteen years later (15 A.B.Y.)
Coruscant, capital of the New Republic
Jar-Jar Binks High School
Locker Room
JOCK #1
Hey ‘tard, heard you couldn’t get into your Dad’s Temple on Yavin 4?CORKY SKYWALKER
Quit it.
Hey ‘tard, heard you couldn’t get into your Dad’s Temple on Yavin 4?CORKY SKYWALKER
Quit it.
JOCK #1
What are you goin’ to do? Huh?
CORKY SKYWALKER
Cut it out.
JOCK #2
Be careful, he can crush your trachea with his mind.
JOCK #1
I ain’t scared of a retar…
CORKY SKYWALKER extends his right hand out. JOCK #1 drops to his knees, clasps his neck, and begins to choke.
JOCK #2
Stop! You’re going to kill him.
Stop! You’re going to kill him.
JOCK #2 lunges forward. CORKY waves his left arm out in a sweeping arc motion and effortlessly hurls JOCK #2 backwards with the Force. JOCK #1 dies and his lifeless body slumps forward.
Camera zooms into CORKY’s face and shows his eye color transform into yellow. Darth Vader’s theme music plays in the background. Scene fades.
(to be CONT’D in Episode VIII—Darth Tardo Strikes Back)
Camera zooms into CORKY’s face and shows his eye color transform into yellow. Darth Vader’s theme music plays in the background. Scene fades.
(to be CONT’D in Episode VIII—Darth Tardo Strikes Back)
Watch me slam dunk!
April 29th, 2005 — himself
Click Here for a link to Lenny Marcus’s website
He knew I could fake my way through a game of basketball. Se he asked me to be in one of his short films.
It’s entitled, Oops.
(Starring Lenny Marcus, Wali Collins, Sandy Marks, Mike Burton, Cyrus, and me)
As for my basketball skill, I’m goofy, but effective.
When I play post, I’m a mother fuckin’ octopus when you try to drive the lane.
They call me, Pterodactyl!
It’s unfortunate that I can’t dribble though
My Second Blog
April 28th, 2005 — himself
I’m Hungry
April 27th, 2005 — himself
Here’s what I have in my cupboard:
A package of dried blueberries
A bag of pistachio nut meat halves
A package of flattened dried bananas
Whole wheat cous cous
Extra virgin olive oil
Sea salt
Organic wheat-free gluten-free quinoa
Carrot-ginger dressing
This is going to take a bit of creativity.
I suffer from Orthorexia Nervosa and procrastination.
Photographic memory is an outdated technology.
April 27th, 2005 — himself
I’m not sure if he’s autistic or has a holographic memory.
What did you call a person who had a photographic memory prior to 1827?
April 27th, 2005 — himself
Come on Down to Giant Tuesday
April 26th, 2005 — himself
Giant Tuesday of Great Inventions and Also There is a Game
Hosted by Francisco Guglioni (Andre DuBouchet)
TUESDAY AT 8:00PM
RIFIFI/CINEMA CLASSICS
332 EAST 11th STREET
(bt. 1st & 2nd Aves.)
FREE!
Matt Goldich
Ann Carr
and Me
And the entire cast of Giant Tuesday (Rob Gordon, Mark Douglas, Deb Rabbai, Johnny Fido, Mike Birch, Kevin Mayer, and Michael Reisman!
My First Blog
April 25th, 2005 — himself
