Entries from February 2005 ↓

I just watched a commercial showing women seductively inhaling different forms of aluminum (tin foil, fences, a baseball bat, etc ).

I guess the makers of AXE deodorant are implying that since their product is housed in an aluminum can that it produces a potent sexual elixir that simulates the pheromones that attract females.

At first, I dismissed this as advertising rubbish, but then I remembered a valuable tid bit of information I learned from my 10^th grade chemistry teacher, Mr. Wedig.

He asked the class if anyone sniffed paint. Everyone said, “No”. He seemed disappointed. He then proceeded to tell the class that if they ever wanted to start sniffing paint and get really high, they should exclusively inhale aluminum-based paint.

The reason being that the body mistakes aluminum ions (Al3+) for iron ions (Fe3+). The chemical reaction is euphoric. A hallucinogenic wonderland provided by a paper bag , a can of Krylon, and your red blood cells. Of course, eventually you would get jaundice, impotency, and color-blindness, but these trivial side effects would be negated by the unparalleled, iron-deficient, aluminum ecstasy. So perhaps the AXE commercials aren’t so misleading after all.

I just watched a commercial showing women seductively inhaling different forms of aluminum (tin foil, fences, a baseball bat, etc ). I guess the makers of AXE deodorant are implying that since their product is housed in an aluminum can that it produces a potent sexual elixir that simulates the pheromones that attract females.

At first, I dismissed this as advertising rubbish, but then I remembered a valuable tid bit of information I learned from my 10^th grade chemistry teacher, Mr. Wedig. He asked the class if anyone sniffed paint. Everyone said, “No”. He seemed disappointed. He then proceeded to tell the class that if they ever wanted to start sniffing paint and get really high, they should exclusively inhale aluminum-based paint. The reason being that the body mistakes aluminum ions (Al3+) for iron ions (Fe3+). The chemical reaction is euphoric. A hallucinogenic wonderland provided by a paper bag , a can of Krylon, and your red blood cells. Of course, eventually you would get jaundice, impotency, and color-blindness, but these trivial side effects would be negated by the unparalleled, iron-deficient, aluminum ecstasy. So perhaps the AXE commercials aren’t so misleading after all.

I wonder if laser light technicians are scared by jazzy PowerPoint presentations?

When people answer a question by saying,
“That’s a good question!”

SUBTEXT TRANSLATION:
“I have no fucking clue!”

New York City is by far the best city to live in as long as you never make a mistake. (ie forget to pay the meter, park in front of a fire hydrant, neglect a parking ticket, smoke indoors, run out of gas in a tunnel, drop/lose your cell phone, lose your unlimited MetroCard, etc…)
People here pride themselves by thinking of everything to avoid suffering the consequences.

When my hard drive died and wiped out all my critical data, I seeked comfort from my friends. My fellow New Yorkers pretended to empathize with my loss by saying,
“Oh my God, that’s horrible, but you backed up? Right?”

SUBTEXT TRANSLATION:
“If you didn’t back up, you’re retarded and deserve it.”

I could only imagine what they would think in a few decades when I tell them my child dies.

“Oh my God, that’s horrible, but you had Patrick’s DNA cloned when he was a baby? Right?”

You know people are always saying they want to date someone who makes them laugh. Be that in-demand person with these tips from five comedians; they’ll get your senses of humor in sync.
Maybe you’re one of those people who has a gift for making people laugh. Perhaps on a first date, you effortlessly inspire everything from chuckles to guffaws. Congrats on that. But let’s say you’re more like the rest of us, who really, really want to amuse the folks we meet at bars and parties or go out with on dates…but just don’t know how. Then this advice is for you. Listen up as five comedians share their tried-and-true tactics for making ‘em laugh.

Funny Fundamental #1: The Bait-and-Switch
From: Andy Vastola, a comic who’s appeared on The Late Show with David Letterman
“The ‘bait-and-switch’ is often used to keep the other person on their toes and to prevent the conversation from getting stale. There are two basic steps to the ‘bait and switch.’ Step one: Deliberately misinterpret something your date says. Step two: Answer with a statement that’s a play on what they’ve said. For example, your date may ask, ‘How do you like the scones?’ (the bait). Your response: ‘I don’t know; I’ve never seen The Scones in concert. Are they good?’ (the switch). This is a win/win situation. If your date laughs, it means they have a sense of humor and they’re a keeper. If not, they think you’re a bonehead and will do the breaking up for you.”

Funny Fundamental #2: The Callback
From: Dan Allen, stand-up comic on Comedy Central’s Premium Blend
“Show your date that you’re able to laugh at your mistakes — and bring back a funny moment throughout the night — with a technique called ‘the callback.’ For example, one time I accidentally mispronounced ‘Pinot Grigio’ as ‘Peanut Gringo,’ much to the amusement of my date (and our waiter). Then, throughout the evening, I occasionally inserted intentional mispronunciations — like ‘Fill-ette migg-non’ — into the conversation. It showed that I could make fun of myself and be creative at the same time. A word of warning: Use this technique only three times in the night—after that, the joke gets old, and there’s a fine line between hilarious and just reminding your date you messed up.”

Funny Fundamental #3: Character Voices
From: Ophira Eisenberg, stand-up comic and a panelist for Us Weekly’s Fashion Police
“Pump up your anecdotes with fun character voices to get your date more interested and laughing. We’re not talking about Daffy Duck impressions—stick to mimicking characters in your story. Trust me, the time you got pulled over for a speeding ticket will be so much funnier if you give the cop an oafish voice. And don’t worry if you can’t master an accent or if it’s not a good impression—it’s the effort that counts! However, don’t risk trying an impression of your date while on the date. Save that for years down the road.”

Funny Fundamental #4: The Save
From: Christian Finnegan, panelist on VH1’s Best Week Ever, a tongue-in-cheek roundup of pop culture
“A ’save’ is when you create an awkward situation by accident and then alleviate your blunder by saying something funny. For instance, you might go on a 10-minute tirade about how much you loathe Billy Joel only to have your date tell you she’s seen him in concert 14 times. At this point you may be tempted to apologize, but don’t. You said what you said—equivocating just makes you look weak. To ’save’ this situation, you need to take your argument to absurd proportions, and say something like, ‘Obviously you’re unaware that Billy Joel cheated my entire family out of our fortune.’ This renders the whole conversation ridiculous, and therefore harmless. And by not immediately apologizing, you display a blend of confidence and independence. 10 points for you!”

Funny Fundamental #5: The “Yes, And…” Tactic
From: Carmen Lynch, comedian on Last Comic Standing
“The ‘yes, and…’ is simply building on a statement your date makes in order to move the conversation to an absurd new level. For example, if your date takes one look at the restaurant bill and says it’s so high he’ll have to rob a bank to cover it, don’t just let his comment sit there. Take it one step further by saying, ‘Sure, robbing a bank sounds like a good idea—and there’s one just down the block. How about I drive the getaway car?’ If, however, you aren’t digging the guy, definitely don’t ‘yes, and…’ his offer for a second date. End the improv scene right there!”

Elise Nersesian is a New York-based writer who covers love, sex, and relationships. Luckily, her current beau keeps her in stitches pretty much non-stop.

link to article

Dealing with DELL was a dream come true. I finally found the secret code to speak directly to a human and circumnavigated the catacomb of automated voice-operated menus.

Growing up on NINTENDO, I developed an uncanny ability to discover backdoors into any game. My life changed, once I was enlightened with the capability to acquire 30 extra men on CONTRA by simply pressing :
5 5 6 6 3 4 3 4, B, A, SELECT , START… as the plane lands.

Here is the secret to DELL. When you are placed on hold for 20 to 40 minutes, start to chant, “I hate DELL, I love APPLE. I think Steve Jobs is doing a wonderful job, perhaps Michael Dell has become too successful and does NOT give a rat’s ass about his customers…I hate DELL, I love APPLE…(repeat…increase in volume for effect).

I did this three times, and I got a human within seconds of my third hate mantra.

Coincidence, I think not.

Please implement my strategy and leave a comment below with your personal experiences.

I forgot to mention that when I was performing at The Baltimore Comedy Factory, they had come up with a wonderful idea to sell out all six shows.

$15 cover includes All You Can Drink!…and comedians

We became an Alcoholic Magnet, which attracted every thirsty local with an affinity for whiskey. A lot of XXX-L NFL jerseys, large silver medallions, and throat tattoos. I counted four tear drops on one fellow and was amazed at the intricate spider web tattoo on another. It appeared that a prison was having a field trip of some kind, and we were responsible of the entertainment.

I felt like Johnny Cash at Folsom Prison, except nerdier and without the respect that Johnny exuded.

Fortunately, the headliner (Will Marfori) and I were able to tame the mob for 83% of the shows. The final show on Saturday at 11pm had the feel of a live Jerry Springer taping.

Immediately when I walked on stage, Dan Tracey, the manager and booker of the club, was tactfully informing a couple to be quiet so others could enjoy the show.

The liquored-up “lady” responded by pushing Dan and screamed, “You’re nothing, but a big fat pussy!!”

Dan continued to stay calm and tried to escort the “lady” out of the club. Mind you, this all transpired in front of the stage. I commented the entire time, trying to distract the crowd, which was impossible to do.

Once Dan placed his hand on the “lady”, her dirt-bag husband ran to her “rescue”. Even though she was the attacker, and Dan was protecting his vital areas.

Sir Whitetrash-a-lot ran forth to defend his maiden, and yelled in a rural twang, “Get your damn hands off my wife!”

Thank The Creator that the bouncer, Alabama, a 350 lb dude with dreadlocks, didn’t call in sick that night. He heard the battle cry from Sir Douchebag, responded by opening his arms like he was going to be crucified and ran into the party of three with full force.

Momentum equals mass times velocity.

Alabama generated a tremendous amount of momentum!

He easily cleaned up the scuffle, and pushed them out the door, which was about 15 yards away stage right.

All of that took place in course of about 2-3 minutes. It was surreal. A mind-bending reality created by uneducated humans who consume too much alcohol.

The greatest part was that I still had to perform for 25 more minutes to these people. They will surely love my poetry, D&D references, and math jokes. Good times!

I love being a comedian. It actually was fun for the first ten minutes, but then I became a fireman. Dousing out verbal fires with venomous lashings, I didn’t know I housed such rage.

I had one moment of lucidity, and was aware that at one point I was screaming, “Shut the fuck up, and listen to me, you fucks!”

Ironically, people still approached me after the show and said they enjoyed it.

I pray to the comedy gods, that I will someday be able to consistently perform in front of theatres of alcohol-free audiences.

I’m here in Baltimore performing at The Comedy Factory with my buddy Will Marfori.

Due to a ½ inch blizzard, the crowd was light (about 8 people) but campy.

We drank of few pints of Guinness and discussed the state of comedy. The evening got awkward when the owner said I reminded him of a cross between pre-ABC Bob Sagat and Daniel Tosh. Hmm…not sure how to take that. He says its a compliment.

We got back late. Being a slave to the internet, I immediately checked my email. Unfortunately, my computer made some weird noises and displayed “Primary Hard Drive not detected. No Boot Drive Available”.

Fuck me.

This has happened to me before, and vowed that I would forever back up my hard drive every night.

Sure.

The emptiness I feel inside is analogous to the moment you are curled around a toilet bowl throwing up after a night of heavy drinking two weeks after you promised yourself you wouldn’t do this to yourself ever again.

My computer sucks and I’m an idiot.

I’m using Will’s computer right now to assist me perform open heart surgery on my laptop with a borrowed screwdiver from the front desk.

Jokes, tax information, pictures, emails, the location of the Holy Grail, the formula for Cold Fusion, you name it…it was there

GONE!

An unwanted digital lobotomy…Why?!