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Prior to the 1900s, my ancestors on my mother’s side were long-line of wealthy, Italian merchants. My great-grandfather, John Maira, decided he wanted to be more successful, so he traveled three thousand miles across the Atlantic to Ellis Island in 1899 from Sicily. He believed he could capitalize on the prospering railroad industry. Unfortunately by 1904, he had lost all his assets and was forced to relocate to New Berlin, a quaint thousand-person town, an hour south of Syracuse. Our family, back in Italy, wrote him off, once they discovered he had failed and had squandered his life savings away. A decade later, World War I arrived and my great-Uncle Frank, John’s oldest brother, became a Black Shirt for the Fascist Dictator Benito Mussolini. The youngest brother, Angelo, became an Italian officer who was later captured by the U.S. as a P.O.W.
Papa John married a beautiful Danish woman and produced eight bambinos. One child, of course, was my grandfather, Vincent. Danish-Sicilian is a pretty sexy combo.
Tall, dark, and handsome…thank-you Papa John!
BUT I digress…God has a very sick sense of humor. I truly believe he is still upset about the whole Roman-times thing. Some people can never get over things. They forgive you, but keep punishing you year after year.
Imagine if you cheated on your wife and you were caught, but somehow you managed to salvage the relationship through years of therapy. Theoretically, she would had forgiven you and given you another chance. Ninety-nine percent of her would want to exonerate you from your sole moment of infidelity, but one percent of her would eternally subtly penalize you from time to time.
Back to God, he has been deviously punishing Italians for two millenniums.
My flaccid, Italian penis is 33% SMALLER than the average male. I’m five-foot eighteen-inches tall and wear a size 13 shoe. Logically, I should be able to please a female rhinoceros.
I guess God doesn’t like anyone to have too many unfair advantages or he can’t let go want the Romans did to Junior.
However, my erect, Italian penis is 33% LARGER than the average male. I did the math.¹
This explains why Italian males are so aggressive in their initial approach with females. They are simply overcompensating for their room-temperature, unaroused, God-given endowment.
Perhaps, I should feel fortunate to have this particular affliction. I feared the shower rooms in middle school, which hindered my growth as an athlete. I could have been the Eminem of the NBA. Conversely, I slinked away in shame‡ and found refuge in my math class, the drama club, reading, and playing D&D.
¹ The Math
r = radius of the penis
Vp = volume of the entire penis
Vs = volume of the shaft minus the head (cylinder)
Vh = volume of the head (hemisphere) †
Vp= Vs + Vh
Vs = π × r² × length
Vh= (½)(4/3) πr³
† Some OCD über-math geeks would argue that it would be a hemi-ellipsoid not a hemisphere. It really is sad to think there are dweebs out there who invest so much time and energy into that trivial technicality. What a miserable, calculating existence.
Below is the formula for those who need to be exact:
Vh = (½)(4/3) π × width axis radius × length axis radius × height axis radius.
‡ In hindsight, I don’t know why I was so ashamed. The guys who were strutting around in their Full Monty mocking in the sixth graders were sadly seventeen years old and still in eighth grade.
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