December 2004

Ten Reasons Why I was a Virgin Until I was Nineteen

himself

I can tell you how many carbon atoms are in a buckminsterfullerene¹ I know where to find mynocks² and what they need to sustain life I was a bus boy at The Magic Time Machine dressed as the Jolly Green Giant® My hair style was a jazzy mullet³. I was a clown for a year [...]

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God Still Holds a Grudge Against Italians

himself

. Prior to the 1900s, my ancestors on my mother’s side were long-line of wealthy, Italian merchants. My great-grandfather, John Maira, decided he wanted to be more successful, so he traveled three thousand miles across the Atlantic to Ellis Island in 1899 from Sicily. He believed he could capitalize on the prospering railroad industry. Unfortunately [...]

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Ode to a Chicken Bouillon (in Mandarin)

himself

我是鸡精 四方形的 无动的 一个香脆的面包干 包着在锡纸里面 在罐头里密封 汤潜力 有的人是意大利汤 有的人是茸汤 我是前途的肉汤 给我水把我释放 wo shi ji jing si fang xing de wu dong de yi ge xiang cui de mian bao gan bao zhe zai xi xhi li mian zai guan tou li mi feng tang qian li you de ren shi yi da li tang you [...]

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Nicknames are Synonyms

himself

Essentially, a nickname is a synonym for your name. For example, my name is “Dan” which is synonymous with “Stretch“, “Danny” or “Danachonda” ( I can never get anyone to call me that, usually its “Mr.Button” or “Little Winky“). Now, if you do not have a nickname or synonym, I encourage you to go to [...]

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Enrolling a Child in Dance Class

himself

Hi, I’m interested in enrolling my daughter in your class. Unfortunately, “little” Sarah isn’t so little. She’s very large for her age. The problem arose when her mother and I separated two years ago. The only consistency in her diet is a Happy Meal. I can not convince her mother (my ex-wife) to stop putting [...]

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