Entries from November 2004 ↓
November 30th, 2004 — business
They also have Chocolate Toffee: a taste of sweet indulgence. R.J. Reynold isn’t even trying to be subtle with their marketing tactics towards children and people with bad eating habits. Logically, they should merge with companies designed to seduce kids at an early age.
Willy Wonka:
Oompa Loompa® Lights
Nico-Nerds®
Disney:
Chip n’ Dale® Chewing Tobacco
Mickey Mouse® Mediums in a Soft Pack
Nickelodeon:
Sponge Bob Squarepants-alicious® Light 100s
I’m sure their market analysts have reported the fact that there is a growing trend of consumers who are worried about their health. Keep a look out for future marketing schemes for the health conscious.
Mother Earth’s Elemental Sticks®
All Organic Tar, Fortified with Flax Seed Oil (Omega-H), Non-Irradiated Nicotine
At Mother Earth™, we cherish every customer and strive for excellence. In this health-conscious world, we care about each customer’s well being. We guarantee every cigarette will have no artificial dyes or preservatives. In addition, every Mother Earth™ employee (their official title is, “Citizen®”) has health insurance, 401k, and is eligible for financial assistance for higher education. Mother Earth™ cherishes her Citizens® and loves humanity. We hope you enjoy smoking our cigarettes. With all the new anti-smoking laws, we are a dying breed. With your help, we can bring back smoking. Every carton you buy, we will donate $1 to The Cool Kids Fund™. They buy new Zippo® Lighters for underprivileged children in unfortunate situations.
Mother Earth™ has been filling people with healthy smoke since 1983.
November 29th, 2004 — international, wordplay
The terms Eskimo and Husky have become officially politically incorrect for the indigenous people in the north.
The word Eskimo was derived from the French word Esquimaux which literally means “flesh eaters”.
Inuit is the preferred name of the handful of surviving inhabitants who were desecrated by Europeans from the 1800s through the 1900s.
However, Inuit is plural and should not be used to describe an individual.
For example…
“He is Inuit” would translate as “He is Blacks.”"
I’m guessing Inuitian would be the proper adjective. My roommate invented Inuii. Who knows? You can never be 100% compliant.
I love when I hear right-minded people condescendingly correct others who utter the “E” word and tell them the appropriate expression is Inuit Indian. Their enlightened racial-awareness is negated by their dim-witted ignorance about Native Americans.
Furthermore, America was named for an Italian merchant named Amerigo Vespucci. We were one word away from becoming Vespuccians.
God Bless Vespukia!
November 21st, 2004 — wordplay
That’s great if you were born with a lot of “Perseverance”
My parents didn’t have any “Perseverance”, I had to earn my own
And when I finally produced enough “Perseverance” to pay “Off”, I got in trouble.
“Off” turned out to be a goddamned whistle blower. An informer. The little bastard.
“Off”icer Tattle-Tale had the nerve to accuse me of bribery.
It should be:
“Perseverance” can pay “Off”, only if “Off” isn’t a little sissy.
November 18th, 2004 — himself
Name: Dan Allen
Alias:
Danaconda…alas…the burden of being 6’6”
Where do you live?
Upper East East East Side (aka…Queens)
NYC, USA, Earth, Sol Solar System, Milky Way, The Universe
Biggest pet peeve?
People who use sesquipedal words because they are intellectually insecure.
Favorite celebrity?
A tie between Sir Isaac Newton and “Hacksaw” Jim Duggin
Someone needs to invent an Everlasting Gab-Talker©:a self charging cell phone that is fueled by Verbal Energy® which converts the sound of your voice into energy for your battery.
What lunch table did you sit at in high school?
A Vietnamese gang known as the “The Math Tutors”.
Ever been heckled?
I do not answer rhetorical questions
If you go to hell, what will you tell Satan when you arrive?
I’m really excited…this is my first time to the actual 700 Club Headquarters…I must say your son is doing one hell of a job
November 16th, 2004 — himself
You got to hand it to the photographer at Comedy Central.
He truly is gifted. He was able to envoke my inner serial killer, with a hint of malnutrition. Superb.
Who knew?
Click here
Yikes!
November 14th, 2004 — stories
I was leaving Flatbush, Brooklyn about to get on the Belt Parkway going towards JFK, and suddenly my temperature gauge looked like a speedometer in a drag race. It went from cold to hot in a nanosecond, and then without warning steam billowed out from the hood like a volcano about to erupt.In a normal city, one would cautiously drive to the side of the road and call for roadside assistance. Very simple solution. It would be a tad bit annoying, perhaps inconvenient, or ill-timed, but not horrific. Now if you were in my situation, stuck in heavy traffic on Ocean Parkway and Avenue Z, your problems would be compounded exponentially.
I had to endure three light changes, and then drive around to find a legal parking spot. I must note, several hundred cars and trucks were blasting their horns at my incompetence and shitty 90’ Honda Accord. Of course, it was MY fault. I ingeniously pierced a pinhole in one of my radiator hoses which released all the contents of my radiator at a furious rate. Yes, I agree with all of them, I’m the asshole. I purposely sabotaged the coolant system, knowing full well the chain of events that would lead to this dubious occurrence. Hee hee…I win! Fuck everyone! My little ploy will disrupt so many lives.
My proficiency level of auto repair is on par with Richard Simmons before he came out of the closet. I can fake it. Basically, I can act somewhat knowledgeable in front of mechanics, so my bank account is not entirely depleted. Unfortunately, that only works with mechanics I know. Not in Brooklyn, north of Coney Island known as Russian Mafia Land. The only Russian I know is, “U tebya krasivie glaza.” Which I am told means, “You have beautiful eyes.” Not a big bargaining chip in repair shops. I had to walk ten blocks to find a ratty little gas station with a hand written sign that said, “CASH ONLY”. It was the only shop in a five mile radius. I went inside, and figured out who was the kingpin.
ME
How much would it cost for an upper radiator hose for a 1990 Honda Accord?
SHOP OWNER
You bring car. I fix. I tell you price.
ME
I need to know how much to get from the ATM. How much will it cost?
SHOP OWNER
You bring car. I fix.
ME
The price shouldn’t be different. Can I get a ball park figure?
SHOP OWNER
(Furious) YOU BREAK THE BALLS! YOU BRING CAR!! I FIX!! I TELL YOU PRICE!!
It’s the only line of business allowed to practice this way. Your blood pressure would be 120 over your heart bursting like a Hubba-Bubba bubble, if every transaction during the day was conducted in this manner.
ME
How much is a small Americano?
BARISTA
You bring cup. You drink coffee. I tell you price.
ME
I just want some coffee?
BARISTA
DON’T START ME! YOU BRING CUP!! YOU DRINK!! I TELL YOU PRICE!!
ME
OOH TIEV KARSEE VIE YA GLAZA!!
BARISTA
Spa`sibo, my comrade. Today you get coffee on the house.
November 7th, 2004 — technology
I am trying to design and launch my website before December and I’ve been glued to my laptop for the last two weeks learning Photoshop and GoLive.My eyes are strained, my back aches, and my mind is filled with bullshit information, that hinders my ability to talk with civilians in the physical world. PHP, MySQL, DHTML, FTP, rollovers, wizzywig, snuzzlefrumps, and gobblety-gook.
So sit tight, I’ll go back to my usual routine of daily entries in less than a fortnight.
I have recently been informed that my tentative Premium Blend air date will be in February.
