Entries from September 2004 ↓

Night after night, my roommates and I heard our douchebag neighbor spew out continuous verbal abuse to his spouse in a loud, thick Greek accent. Expletive words seem to be the only English words in his feeble lexicon. Occasionally, we shouted back, “Shut the fuck up.” It would quiet down for a couple of minutes, then resumed in full force. We made a pact, that if we heard any slapping sounds we would storm the house and pound the living shit out of the wife-beating, baklava-lovin’ bastard.

That was until the police and bomb squad barricaded our street, and stormed their house for other reasons.

Read this article

I love his first name.

Sample joke with specificity:

I walked into a Food Lion® and bought a box of Marlboro Lights®, and the cashier asked for my driver’s license. She wanted to make sure I was eighteen. The government feels that’s the age, in which, you have the correct mental capacity to wisely decide if you want cancer.

After going through the legal department:

I walked into a place that sold assorted goods and bought a box of cylindrical tubes filled with a legally grown substance made by a company that is following the federal guidelines set forth to dissuade future consumers, and the customer service representative asked for my driver’s license. She wanted to make sure I was eighteen. The people elected democratically by the mass population feels that’s the age, in which, you have the correct mental capacity to wisely decide if you want to increase the probabilities of getting symptoms which seem very likely to be linked to a very unfortunate disease that affects a large amount of people in the United States. In closing, just one dollar from each one of you tonight could help the program to help Americans stop smoking. God Bless the USA!!

From: Dan Allen
Sent: Thursday, September 09, 2004 2:54 PM
To: legaldepartmentthatisscaredofgettingsued@yahoo.com
Subject: Coolio vs. Me

I am a copyright law neophyte, but I really would like to incorporate the phrase, “Ain’t no party like a Mercury Party, cuz a Mercury Party don’t stop…” into my Premium Blend set.

It is a parody of the song - Coolio’s 1-2-3-4 Sumpin’

Listed below are two similar cases, in which, the verdict was ruled in favor of the defendant.

1.) Roy Orbison vs 2 Live Crew

2 Live Crew, the rap group, did a parody of the Roy Orbison song, Pretty Woman, in their own extremely inimitable fashion. (Example: Big hairy woman, you need to shave that stuff) The resulting lawsuit got all the way to the Supreme Court, which came out with a landmark decision in favor of 2 Live Crew

2.) The City of New York vs SNL

“In its entirety, the original song “I Love New York” is composed of a 45 word lyric and 100 measures. Of this only four notes, D C D E (in that sequence), and the words “I Love” were taken and used in the SNL sketch (although they were repeated 3 or 4 times). As a result, the defendant now argues that the use it made was insufficient to constitute copyright infringement.
This Court does not agree. Although it is clear that, on its face, the taking involved in this action is relatively slight, on closer examination it becomes apparent that this portion of the piece, the musical phrase that the lyrics “I Love New York” accompany, is the heart of the composition. Use of such a significant (albeit less than extensive) portion of the composition is far more than merely a De minirnis taking.”

Blah…blah…blah…it goes on for days

Verdict:
Basing its decision on undisputed facts presented by the parties, as well as on a videotaped viewing of the television sketch containing the alleged infringement, the Court finds that the defendant’s use of the plaintiff’s jingle in the SNL sketch was a fair use, and that as a result no copyright violation occurred. Accordingly, the plaintiff’s motion for summary judgment is denied, and the defendant’s motion for surname judgment is granted. Tills action is hereby dismissed.

Source website: Click here

Final Verdict from Comedy Central:
They politely told me to, “Ixnay on the artypay.” The more I researched the phrase, the lamer it became

Congratulations, and welcome to a new way of living. Hold your hands out …look at them…soon you will control their true ability…these flesh covered extensions of your soul are your answer to the universe. Once you have mastered this technique, you will be able to walk out and command any field on a blistery March day. Children will revere you, women will adore you, and men will fear you. You are the best of the best, I have personally hand picked you out of hundreds of applicants. Well perhaps not hundreds, but a number greater than the number of individuals who are present right now. Each one you have a story of — why you are here. Seekers of Wisdom. Hot shot fliers, who think they have a chance at The Big Game. All big fish from small ponds. You will look back at this very point in time and laugh at the shell of a person you are now. I applaud you. You will forever be in my debt. When people read your resume…and see that you trained with Kent Powers, you WILL be respected. In the next nine months, you will LIVE, EAT, and DREAM about kites!!! This will be your new religion, and I am your SAVIOUR. I will say this once, you will address me as Kent Powers. There are NO shortcuts or abbreviations in The Art of Kite Flying. The decision you have made will alter your reality. One word can define what we do, “Control!” Cerf-volant! Drachen! Aquiline! Cometa! Vlieger! Every language has a word to describe it. Kite! An invention developed 5000 years ago in Ancient China. This workshop will transcend mathematics, history, geography, physics, and psychology. I don’t like to drop names, but perhaps you know a few of my students: Steve Coates, flies with Skynasaur Kites their first “professional kite flyer”. In fact I just had lunch with Gary Gabriel, the vice president, last week. He professed to me that he wished all the new pilots would take my seminar. You are going to see that this career not only takes skill, but a tremendous amount of networking. Hey, if you got an eccentric, billionaire uncle ready to drop tens of thousands of dollars on you…more power to you. But if you are like the rest of us, corporate sponsorship is the key to success. Sure you could stay Regional, and grab a few cash prizes. Peanuts! Chump change! Trophies feed your ego, but companies fill your bellies with filet mignons.
You will learn how to axel, fade, 540s…the amount of tricks will be limited by your creativity. Perhaps someday you will be able to patent your own trick someday. In order to do this, you have to give up everything…carnal pleasures, luxuries, vices…and trust my every word. Gentleman, let’s fly.

Congratulations, and welcome to a new way of living. Hold your hands out …look at them…soon you will control their true ability…these flesh covered extensions of your soul are your answer to the universe. Once you have mastered this technique, you will be able to walk out and command any field on a blistery March day. Children will revere you, women will adore you, and men will fear you. You are the best of the best, I have personally hand picked you out of hundreds of applicants. Well perhaps not hundreds, but a number greater than the number of individuals who are present right now. Each one you have a story of — why you are here. Seekers of Wisdom. Hot shot fliers, who think they have a chance at The Big Game. All big fish from small ponds. You will look back at this very point in time and laugh at the shell of a person you are now. I applaud you. You will forever be in my debt. When people read your resume…and see that you trained with Kent Powers, you WILL be respected. In the next nine months, you will LIVE, EAT, and DREAM about kites!!! This will be your new religion, and I am your SAVIOUR. I will say this once, you will address me as Kent Powers. There are NO shortcuts or abbreviations in The Art of Kite Flying. The decision you have made will alter your reality. One word can define what we do, “Control!” Cerf-volant! Drachen! Aquiline! Cometa! Vlieger! Every language has a word to describe it. Kite! An invention developed 5000 years ago in Ancient China. This workshop will transcend mathematics, history, geography, physics, and psychology. I don’t like to drop names, but perhaps you know a few of my students: Steve Coates, flies with Skynasaur Kites their first “professional kite flyer”. In fact I just had lunch with Gary Gabriel, the vice president, last week. He professed to me that he wished all the new pilots would take my seminar. You are going to see that this career not only takes skill, but a tremendous amount of networking. Hey, if you got an eccentric, billionaire uncle ready to drop tens of thousands of dollars on you…more power to you. But if you are like the rest of us, corporate sponsorship is the key to success. Sure you could stay Regional, and grab a few cash prizes. Peanuts! Chump change! Trophies feed your ego, but companies fill your bellies with filet mignons.
You will learn how to axel, fade, 540s…the amount of tricks will be limited by your creativity. Perhaps someday you will be able to patent your own trick someday. In order to do this, you have to give up everything…carnal pleasures, luxuries, vices…and trust my every word. Gentleman, let’s fly.