Pre-Audition for Sears Santa Commercial

by Dan Allen on August 25, 2010

in videos

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Advances in Muppet® Medicine

entertainment

Snuffleupagus fans around the globe were sadden by the news of the well-known wooly pacaderm being diagnosed with testicular cancer.

Fortunately, New Zealand scientists have been able to hydoponically produce synthetic Muppet balls. His surgery is scheduled for next week.
The Tony Award winning cast of the Broadway musical Avenue Q has offered his life partner Big [...]

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I’m writing a biography about Kevin Bacon in the sixth person.

wordplay

It’s about a busboy named Enrique who is blown by a waitress whose father is a chiropractor of a women who just bought an autographed DVD of Footloose off of eBay™ from a guy in Phoenix who was actually blown by Kevin Bacon.

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Darth Vader was the Fallen Angel

religion

Master Obi-Wan Kenobi was correct when he said Anakin Skywalker was the “chosen one”, prophesized to bring balance to the Force. Unfortunately, he didn’t foresee the devastating results of the divine intervention. There definitely was an imbalance in the Force—too much good and not enough evil.
So when Anakin transformed into Darth Vader to save the [...]

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$15 All You Can Drink and comedians

stories

I forgot to mention that when I was performing at The Baltimore Comedy Factory, they had come up with a wonderful idea to sell out all six shows.
$15 cover includes All You Can Drink!…and comedians
We became an Alcoholic Magnet, which attracted every thirsty local with an affinity for whiskey. A lot of XXX-L NFL jerseys, [...]

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The Eternal Headache of a Scornful Vegan

poetry

I am a vegan
Pure, Organic
Meek, Malnourished

Chickpeas are my meat pellets

Tofu is my life
The art of vegetarianism is pacifism between furry organisms

A Denny’s Grand Slam is a dinner of Death!
Two slices of pig skin, a couple chicken fetuses
Sunny-side up and side of toast…please

A carton of eggs is not what I see
Twelve homemade coffins for under two [...]

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Friendly’s® Happy Ending Sundae

business

When I was in Virginia, I drove by a Friendly’s® restaurant and noticed that the marquee claimed, “Free Happy Ending Sundae with Every Entree”.
My Uncle Ed was in the Marines and had told me as a teenager that happy endings was code word for oral pleasure at a massage parlor.
The temptation was too great to [...]

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Producing a Comedy Show in NYC
Producing Tips

There are only a 1,000 comedians living in NYC out of the 8 million people in the five boroughs. That means we each get 8,000 a piece. Personally, I only want 1,000 True Fans.
Why only 1,000? Here’s a quote from Kevin Kelly, the founder of Wired,
A creator, such as an artist, musician, photographer, craftsperson, [...]

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Earthlings (specifically Americans) Are Spoiled
favorites

Raised as fat, capitalistic pigs with intrinsic senses of entitlement, we forget that our problems are insignificant when compared to other citizens of this planet.
I was at LaGuardia Airport last week during the blackout and overheard a hysterical woman speaking to a reporter amongst crying babies and other stranded passengers tearfully cry out, “It’s [...]

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“There’s a New Monorail in Town, Springfield!”
favorites

There is a fairly new (two year old) monorail from Manhattan to JFK called the AirTrain®. Which is great because it cuts the commute time in half.

“Monorail, Monorail,Monorail, Monorail…Can you hear it, Manhattan?!”
Unfortunately, not enough people even know about it. So the Port Authority of NY&NJ have been plastering billboards everywhere. They reads: “AirTrain®. If [...]

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Proper Etiquette of Toothpicking Cheese Cubes 101
favorites

I played basketball today and realized I was extremely hungry. I dipped into Gourmet Garage to buy something to eat. I didn’t know what I wanted, so I roamed aimlessly around until I found something.
Luckily, The cheese department had five platters of cheese cubes with a cup of toothpicks.
Famished, I plucked out a cube [...]

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MoMAudio is Horseshit
favorites

MoMA offers a free audio tour to “help” visitors understand what the artist is trying to express.
While helpful with some, you end up looking like a jackass to those brave souls who ventured forth sans audio guidance as you stare at an untitled canvas painted blue by Yves Klein for five minutes listening to a [...]

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danisms
“Do cucumber farmers eventually become gay?”
by Danocrates Allenopolos

NYC-based producer and storyteller