Dan Allen

business — No comments
11
Mar 10

The future of network comedy in this litigious, corporate world

Sample joke with specificity:

I walked into a Food Lion® and bought a box of Marlboro Lights®, and the cashier asked for my driver’s license. She wanted to make sure I was eighteen. The government feels that’s the age, in which, you have the correct mental capacity to wisely decide if you want cancer.

After going through the legal department:

I walked into a place that sold assorted goods and bought a box of cylindrical tubes filled with a legally grown substance made by a company that is following the federal guidelines set forth to dissuade future consumers, and the customer service representative asked for my driver’s license. She wanted to make sure I was eighteen. The people elected democratically by the mass population feels that’s the age, in which, you have the correct mental capacity to wisely decide if you want to increase the probabilities of getting symptoms which seem very likely to be linked to a very unfortunate disease that affects a large amount of people in the United States. In closing, just one dollar from each one of you tonight could help the program to help Americans stop smoking. God Bless the USA!!

Originally posted 2004-09-20 18:53:03. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

history — No comments
10
Mar 10

The Sun Viking Hotel

The last time I went to the beach, I stayed at The Sun Viking Hotel, which had an enormous 50 foot, gaudy, plaster Viking statue in the parking lot. It was a family hotel, and a bunch of kids were running around with souvenir axes and horned helmets. How cute? Then I remembered back to another time I stayed at another beach hotel which was called The Hotel Viking; slightly different, but essentially the same. Every tourist city by the sea has the same lame hotels: some kind of Viking Hotel…across the street Pirate’s Cove…next door the El Conquistador. A lot of people are missing the general theme here. All of these groups being glorified were once associated with murderers, rapist, and thieves. Yippee! Happy family fun-time! I guess all it takes is about 500 to 1000 years to wash away the atrocities of malicious men. The future is looking brighter, and brighter. In the year 3030, you’ll be able to check into The Klansmen by the Sea.

Hotel Clerk
Here’s your key, boy. Room 606. Don’t worry about a thing, we got plenty clean sheets.
If you know what I mean?

Originally posted 2004-06-01 15:10:13. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

people — 1 comment
9
Mar 10

I Feel For Future Digital Anthropologist Deciphering MySpace Comments

I’m guessing THE PRINCE’s “hit me back” is implying: Since he feels it’s perfectly normal to hit a women if she gets out of line then she should feel free to “hit him back” if he does the same. He’s no hypocrite (respect).

Now the Sultan comment was much harder to unravel. At first glance I assumed that “LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL” was an exaggerated form of “Laugh Out Loud” because I know LOOL is “Laughing Outrageously Out Loud”. But then I realized that the Sultan wanted to emphasize the letter “O” because it actually represents the word “oligophrenia” which means “feeble-mindedness”. And ironically pluralizing the word “day” as “day’s”…a stroke of genius.

Touché, Sultan, touché or shall we say douché, douché?

I Googled the word “LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL” and got this feeble-minded racist forum:

Here’s the link

Originally posted 2007-05-03 19:59:33. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

people / science — 1 comment
8
Mar 10

I Hate New Year’s Day

We are the only animals on the planet that celebrate it. It’s just an arbitrary point in space that we’ve invented. All we do is get drunk every time we go around the Sun.
Weeee! (one year lapses)
Yaaaay!! (365.25 days later)
Happy New Year!!!

We are eternally trapped in this boring cycle. Fuck that. I know that not everyone hates New Year’s like I do, and I can only encourage them to do one thing: Leave Earth and move to Mercury because they have a New Year’s party every 88 days.

Ain’t no party like a Mercury party because a Mercury party don’t stop.

A lot of sex happens on Mercury. They should rename the planet Herpes, the Greek god of STDs.

The only planet that should be able to celebrate New Year’s is Pluto (especially now that its been downgraded to an ice chunk. How humiliating?). The reason I say the citizens of Pluto deserve a party is because they have a New Year’s every 250 years. When it does happen they don’t even know what to do. They have to read it in their Plutonian bibles.

Ezhekial 3:17

And the Lord mixed margaritas.

Imagine the mayhem that would ensue as the ball dropped. Plutonians would come out of their houses and stick syringes of heroin in their eyes and have sex with parakeets screaming, “Happy New Year!” Now thats a DVD I would buy. It would make the backstage of Motely Crew concert look like the Lilith Fair.

Originally posted 2006-08-26 17:24:33. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

favorites / mathematics — No comments
7
Mar 10

Nobody Remembers Me

It was horrible what happened five years ago on 9-11. People lost their lives and will always be remembered.

But what about me, I still exist. Somehow through this tragic event, I have been deleted from everyone’s mind. Erased. Eradicated. Brainwashed out of Man’s hard drive.

Nine, eleven…nine, eleven…nine, eleven

Anything missing?

What happened to “ten”!

I use to be a “somebody”. The world revolved around me.

The Ten Commandments, “She’s a perfect ten”, “Hang ten”, “ten little indians”…for Christ’s sake the majority of Earth’s civilizations use a base-10 numbering system.

Now I feel invisible. A shadow. I know what Ashlee Simpson feels like at Thanksgiving, or Tito at Christmas. What have I done to deserve this? Am I not easily divisible? Do I not make multiplying a simple task? What the fuck more do you want from me?

I could understand if I was irrational or a transcendental number. They’re enigmas.

Who knows their purpose? I don’t.

I ran with that pack in college.

π, Φ the Golden Ratio, e the base of the Natural Log…they were all deadbeats out of they’re minds.

π was always tripping on acid and trying to convince me he was from outer space and that he helped everyone from the Egyptians build the pyramids to the Mayan temples. Give me a break.

The Golden Ratio was under the impression that he was the divine Renaissance number created by God himself. Φ was one self-righteous, ecclesiastical mother fucker.

The base of the Natural Log e seemed normal, until you started to talk about money. Compound this, compound that…he would get this diabolical look in his eye when you mentioned interest rates. He’d sell his mother’s lung if he could profit from it.

I’m a rational number. A whole number.

God damn you all!

It’s nine,

eleven!

Originally posted 2006-09-11 08:37:33. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

politics — No comments
6
Mar 10

Sometimes the Government Doesn’t Suck

Albeit, “sometimes” is every thirty years.

Here’s one act that didn’t suck: Endangered Species Act of 1973

Since it was the groovy-peace-love-and-microdot 70’s, the act was passed by Congress with overwhelming majorities. In the House of Representatives, the vote in favor of the bill was 390-12 and in the Senate, it was 92-0.

My question is: Who were the twelve Representatives that had the panda-hating-tree-chopping-balls-soaked-in-crude-oil to vote against it?

Originally posted 2007-09-21 17:22:17. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

overheard nyc — 2 comments
5
Mar 10

Name Dropping versus Name Throwing

I overheard a conversation:

SOME DUMB DUDE

I hate schmoozing. I’m no good at it. Man, I wish I was like Eric. That dude is awesome at networking. He’s  like real good at name-throwing, if you know what I mean.

Name-throwing? What the fuck is that? I’ve heard of name-dropping, but I’ve never heard of a name-throwing. A name-thrower sounds like a weapon used in Viet Nam.

SOME DUMBER DUDE

I fucking rocked at that  industry party last night. I name-palmed the shit out of that place.

Originally posted 2006-01-16 17:46:08. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

mathematics — 1 comment
4
Mar 10

MAS*H is a valid mathematical statement

M
mass (m)

A
acceleration (a)

S
displacement/distance (s)

H
height (h)

If Newton’s Second Law states: Force equals mass times acceleration (F=ma),

then
m × a = Force

Displacement and height are lengths. If you multiply two lengths together, you would create a surface area.

s × h = Surface Area
So,

(m × a)(s × h) = Force × Surface area

Force × Surface Area = Pressure

pres·sure
n.
Force applied uniformly over a surface, measured as force per unit of area.

mash
n.
A crushing or grinding

Tasmanian devils have 300 pounds per square inch of bite.

I must remind readers that I was a virgin until I was 21

Originally posted 2006-01-04 15:21:49. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

international / wordplay — 3 comments
3
Mar 10

You Could Sell Frozen Dihydrogen Monoxide to an Inuit

The terms Eskimo and Husky have become officially politically incorrect for the indigenous people in the north.

The word Eskimo was derived from the French word Esquimaux which literally means “flesh eaters”.

Inuit is the preferred name of the handful of surviving inhabitants who were desecrated by Europeans from the 1800s through the 1900s.

However, Inuit is plural and should not be used to describe an individual.

For example…
“He is Inuit” would translate as “He is Blacks.”"

I’m guessing Inuitian would be the proper adjective. My roommate invented Inuii. Who knows? You can never be 100% compliant.

I love when I hear right-minded people condescendingly correct others who utter the “E” word and tell them the appropriate expression is Inuit Indian. Their enlightened racial-awareness is negated by their dim-witted ignorance about Native Americans.

Furthermore, America was named for an Italian merchant named Amerigo Vespucci. We were one word away from becoming Vespuccians.

God Bless Vespukia!

Originally posted 2004-11-29 22:19:08. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

religion / sci-fi — No comments
2
Mar 10

Why Did Yoda Die So Young?

Yoda was a creature called a Gherkin with an average life expectancy of 1000 years.

At age 877 years old, he fought a stalemate battle with Emperor Palpatine, the most powerful Sith Lord in the universe.

He exiled himself to the swampy planet of Dagobah and was able avoid detection from Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine because a powerful Dark Jedi named Bpfassi had died there flooding the region with the Dark Side negating his Light Side.

About twenty three years later, Luke Skywalker returns to Dagobah for the last time to complete his Jedi training. Sadly, Master Yoda the Gherkin died there at the age of only 900 years old.

By problem is this—compared to humans with an average life expectancy of 72 years. Twenty three Gherkin years would have been the equivalent of only two human years since his ass-kicking, Jet-li/Bruce Lee battle with the Emperor.

QUESTION:
Why did his health fade so quickly?

ANSWER:
Luke discovered Yoda’s cyberjournal and found out that he had made a few stops before he permanently exiled himself. He had hyperspaced to Tantooine and bought some essentials: fifty gallons of Rotgut, a thousand DeathSticks and ten pounds of finely-cut Kessel spice. He then visited his favorite Wookie prostitute, Beelacca. Unfortunately, Belacca didn’t honor the Republic’s “Right to Know” policy. She had been infected by a Tusken Raider who had a Wookie fetish with a rare disease contracted from having sex with a Bantha. The drugs and booze accelerated the effects of the STD.

George Lucas was contacted by D.O.G.G. (Daughters of Great Gherkins) to cut the scenes showing these last moments out respect for his family.

Originally posted 2006-01-04 15:45:49. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

entertainment / sexuality — 3 comments
1
Mar 10

I’ve already posted this but…

Originally posted 2007-07-18 08:05:52. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

entertainment — 57 comments
28
Feb 10

Why does Deelishis (aka…London Charles) have scars on her back?

Flavor of Love’s “Deelishis” claims the marks on her back came from an “accident”.

I believe the episode below explains everything.

Unfortunately, YouTube yanked this Good Times clip. It was the episode about Penny (Janet Jackson) getting burned by her mother with an iron. The new and improve YouTube is going to suck if they keep censoring like this.

Someone should contact Social Services and report Mr. and Mrs. Charles. Obviously, “New York” has been mentally abused, but at least her crazy-ass mother hasn’t physically scarred her.

Originally posted 2006-10-02 13:08:59. Republished by Old Post Promoter.

Dan AllenNYC-based producer and storyteller