Originally posted 2005-08-18 00:59:00. Republished by Old Post Promoter.
7
Feb 10
Whatcha talking about Willis?
I guess a 99 point something APR is a deal when you are a former child star.
Originally posted 2007-07-13 16:07:00. Republished by Old Post Promoter.
6
Feb 10
Journey Has Integrity
What I love about Journey is their self-awareness of the fact that someone would take the time and energy to create and host a website to bash their band.
I say this because if you go to: http://journeysucks.com, you will be redirected to their main website. Now, that’s foresight.
I thought I had low-self esteem.
Originally posted 2006-01-18 02:30:24. Republished by Old Post Promoter.
5
Feb 10
Ben & Jerry’s™ Chunky Monkey©: Good or Evil?
Two of my many Orthorexic dietary restrictions are:
limit my dairy and saturated fat intake.
Unfortunately, my unnatural, affinity for Ben & Jerry’s™ Chunky Monkey© ice cream makes those rules obsolete as the enforcement of the law forbidding jaywalking.
How do I justify my addiction?
The Ben & Jerry’s™ corporation is an environmentally conscience company concerned about minimizing any negative impact on our future society and environment: employee healthcare, urban youth development, its stance on BGH hormones in cows, and recyclable paper products.
They make me feel like I’m saving the planet—one pint at a time.
What are the ingredients in my beloved Chunky Monkey©?
Pure and simple:
Cream, Skim Milk, Liquid Sugar, Water, Sugar, Walnuts, Bananas, Egg Yolks, Coconut Oil, Cocoa, Concentrated Lemon Juice, Guar Gum, Natural Flavors, Milkfat, Soya Lecithin, Carrageenan
The cream and milk are fortified with vitamin D from a loving cow, the spring water is purified, the sugar is from raw sugar canes, the bananas are organic and crammed with potassium, protein-packed walnuts, and the the endorphin-inducing calcium chunks of all-natural milk chocolate are blended together into a frosty, mouth-savoring, bowl of nutritious delight.
Unfortunately, this “green”, organic, eco-friendly exterior is hiding a “black”, crude, glutton-making interior.
Each pint contains 1,200 calories and 40 grams of saturated fat, the equivalent of 32 slices of bacon.
If you ate one pint a day for a year, you would consume 500,393 calories or 3,336 hot dogs.
Theoretically, there are four servings in one pint. Yeah, fucking right! It is aptly named, Chunky Monkey©. I’ve got a sweet monkey on my back that I can’t shake.
At least, heroine is illegal. I can buy my drug at a Texaco and eat it while I’m driving.
And let’s not forget to mention the ozone-depleting methane produced by the thousands of cows needed, which leads to global warming.
Let’s hope that Mad Cow Disease doesn’t ever attack Ben & Jerry’s™ supply. Chubby insurgents will invade Canada’s dairy farms for uncontaminated milk. Deplete their stocks and ravenously scour the Earth for untainted cows. The bovine elixir will become the catalyst for World War III.
Ben & Jerry’s™ can take their “Save the Planet” motto and shove it up their drug-dealing, capitalistic asses.
Originally posted 2005-06-01 16:22:00. Republished by Old Post Promoter.
4
Feb 10
What is the Name of Your Country?
If you flew to Tokyo, and were to ask any Japanese citizen walking on the street, “What country do you live in?”
That person would say without hesitation, “Nippon.”
This would be very awkward, since you would then have to politely correct them and inform them that they live in Japan not in the Make-Believe Land of “Nippon”.
Who is right?
We have Westernized the name of every country we have encountered.
Hindustan ceases to exist and is called India.
Deutchland is forgotten and is now dubbed Germany.
Italia turns to Italy, Spain replaces España,…etc
Criticizing American’s globalization and smothering domination has become far too easy. It isn’t edgy anymore. Its the norm. Though in this particular case, we are not alone.
Spanish people call Germany, Alemania. The French say l’Allemagne and Italians insist its la Germania.
Fortunately, it is limited to the name of the countries and does not extend to the individual names of the citizens.
BOSS
Gary! Jesse! Bring that crate over here.
GARCON
Pardon je, Monsier. Mon nom est Garcon. Ce n’est pas Gary.
JESUS
Si, señor. Mi nombre es Jesus. No es Jesse.
BOSS
Listen here…we don’t understand your bullshit languages and don’t want to hear that kind of jibber-jabber around here. In fact, we don’t really care what you two think. You call yourself whatever you want…to yourselves. But if you don’t like it, you can go back to you own damn country. This ain’t Uzbekistan.
In conclusion, humans are fundamentally resistant to adopting and adapting to different cultures. However, we are all carbon-based life forms composed of the same basic molecular structure. The actual quantified DNA difference between any organisms is so infinitesimally small. We should thank God, Allah, David Koresh, or whom ever you choose to believe in for giving us the proper genetic coding to be homo sapiens. We are few deoxyribonucleic acid strands away from being a lemur or a sweet potato.
Furthermore, we can’t even agree on one word to describe the asymetrical ellipsoid in which we live on.
Earth (English)
Mundo (Spanish)
Duniya (Hindi)
Erde (German)
Terra (Italian)
We need to get our heads out of our asses and come up with an international word for our planet or we will become the laughing stock of the United Milky Way Planets Federation.
Originally posted 2006-01-13 13:22:41. Republished by Old Post Promoter.
3
Feb 10
Paul Revere’s job would have been easier with MySpace
The historical “Midnight Ride” would have been known as the “Midnight Post”. Instead of “ridin’ across the land, kickin’ up sand”, he could have simply posted a MySpace bulletin to his 16,000 “friends”.
But now that I think of it, that probably wouldn’t have been that effective since you can only view five bulletins at time.
With 16,000 colonists online, the extremely vital warning bulletin “The British are coming!” would be pushed off the screen instantly by a 1,000 trivial, sophomoric posts from idiots with too much time on their hands.
Originally posted 2006-04-15 14:01:05. Republished by Old Post Promoter.
2
Feb 10
Woman in NYC Are Assertive
The woman in New York will tell you exactly what they mean.
I was at a bar, and a girl asked me, “Why are you so skinny, what do you have AIDS?”
That’s pretty fucked up
Then I started to think, maybe I do have AIDS.
But how could I’ve contracted it.
I’ve never had luck with the ladies at bars.
The only bars, I’ve ever got lucky with a girl was at the monkey bars in second grade at recess.
I use to kiss this girl , Penny, everyday under the green monkey bars.
Maybe I got AIDS from her.
What a little slut.
Some researchers claim AIDS originated from a green monkey and promiscuous Canadian flight attendant.
They were mistaken. It was from a boy and a slut UNDER the green monkey bars.
Originally posted 2004-06-03 15:12:23. Republished by Old Post Promoter.
1
Feb 10
More words from Danocrates Allenopolos
“When I chew on a piece of Dentyne Ice Arctic Chill, I feel like a polar bear crapped in my mouth.”~Danocrates
Originally posted 2006-08-03 19:10:38. Republished by Old Post Promoter.
31
Jan 10
Orthorexia Nervosa
In today’s media driven world, eating disorders are becoming more and more prevalent. Bulimia…Anorexia…Binge-Eating Disorder. Now there is a new syndrome called Orthorexia: literally, the “fixation on righteous eating”. These are the people who are convinced that eating grinded flax seeds, soy milk, vegetarian-fed eggs with omega-h and an array of bizarre organic products will give them “The Golden Ticket” to The Willy-Wonka Factory in the Sky.
We all live at the hands of Fate. When you were born, Mrs. Fate issued you a ticket, and draws from a lottery. If your number is called…YOU DIE! There is no way around it. But these people suffering from Orthorexia Nervosa truly believe that if they inhale bee testicles from Shir-keika located within the Tibetan Mountains, they will be immune to cancer. Horseshit! That shit of course coming from an all-natural Australian, range-fed horse that was never in a feed lot. That’s good shit!
Originally posted 2004-06-11 20:31:52. Republished by Old Post Promoter.
30
Jan 10
My girlfriend told me, “It’s men like you that drive women to Bulimia.”
“That’s ridiculous!” I said, “I don’t even know where Bulimia is.”
I Mapquest-ed it and found out it’s actually a small country right next to Hungary and Low-self-esteemia.
I could fly a woman to Eastern Europe but couldn’t I drive a woman across the Atlantic Ocean? Come on, that’s crazy talk.
Originally posted 2005-10-31 12:41:00. Republished by Old Post Promoter.
29
Jan 10
People Are Being Killed by Killer Kites in Pakistan
Click here
Obviously, they never attended Kent Powers Academy:
KENT POWERS
Congratulations, and welcome to a new way of living. Hold your hands out …look at them…soon you will control their true ability…these flesh covered extensions of your soul are your answer to the universe. Once you have mastered my technique, you will be able to walk out and command any field on a blistery March day. Children will revere you, women will adore you, and men will fear you. You are the best of the best, I have personally hand picked you out of hundreds of applicants. Well perhaps not hundreds, but a number greater than the number of individuals who are present right now. Each one you have a story of — why you are here. Seekers of Wisdom. Hot shot fliers, who think they have a chance at “The Big Game”. All big fish from small ponds. You think you’re ready? Well you’re not. If someone told me I had to bet money on any of you in next year’s Basant Kite Festival, “I’d tell them to kiss my ass!” I’d rather spend my hard-earned money on a 12 year-old Paki from Lahore. At least, he’d have enough sense to use glass-coated string to cut down his opponents. I had to learn the hard way. I lost my buddy Jimmy in Basant in 98’. He was untangling a line when a low flying fighter kite slit his throat from ear to ear. You will look back at this very point in time and laugh at the shell of a person you are now. I applaud you. You will forever be in my debt. When people read your resume…and see that you trained with Kent Powers, you WILL be respected. In the next nine months, you will LIVE, EAT, and DREAM about kites!!! This will be your new religion, and I am your SAVIOUR. I will say this once, you will address me as Kent Powers. There are NO shortcuts or abbreviations in The Art of Kite Flying. The decision you have made will alter your destiny. One word can define what we do, “Control!” Cerf-volant! Drachen! Aquiline! Cometa! Vlieger! Every language has a word to describe it. Kite! An invention developed 5,000 years ago in Ancient China. This workshop will transcend mathematics, history, geography, physics, and psychology. I don’t like to drop names, but perhaps you know a few of my students: Steve Coates, flies with Skynasaur Kites their first “professional kite flyer”. In fact I just had lunch with Gary Gabriel, the vice president, last week. He professed to me that he wished all the new pilots would take my seminar. You are going to see that this career not only takes skill, but a tremendous amount of networking. Hey, if you got an eccentric, billionaire uncle ready to drop tens of thousands of dollars on you…more power to you. But if you are like the rest of us, corporate sponsorship is the key to success. Sure you could stay Regional or keep doing State Fairs, and grab a few cash prizes. Peanuts! Chump change! Trophies feed your ego, but companies fill your bellies with filet mignons.
You will learn how to axel, fade, 540s…the amount of tricks will be limited by your creativity. Perhaps someday you will be able to patent your own trick someday. In order to do this, you have to give up everything…carnal pleasures, luxuries, vices…and trust my every word. Gentleman, let’s fly.
You will learn how to axel, fade, 540s…the amount of tricks will be limited by your creativity. Perhaps someday you will be able to patent your own trick someday. In order to do this, you have to give up everything…carnal pleasures, luxuries, vices…and trust my every word. Gentleman, let’s fly.
Originally posted 2007-02-26 11:39:46. Republished by Old Post Promoter.
28
Jan 10
I’m writing a biography about Kevin Bacon in the sixth person.
It’s about a busboy named Enrique who is blown by a waitress whose father is a chiropractor of a women who just bought an autographed DVD of Footloose off of eBay™ from a guy in Phoenix who was actually blown by Kevin Bacon.
Originally posted 2005-09-21 08:16:00. Republished by Old Post Promoter.
